Heaven's not a place that you go when you die It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive

I got a little inspired from a blog I just read to write about my dad.

When I was a kid I was a Daddy's girl through and through, then I became a teenager. We didn't have the greatest relationship at all. He liked to drink..quite a bit. It actually caused my mom to divorce my dad. He was very demanding, I get my stubbornness from by dad, for real. He wanted everything done now, not in two seconds either. It was the end of the world if things didn't happen the way or time he wanted. It used to drive me literally bananas! No matter what he did I loved him. He was my dad. We had some fun times. :)

We didn't always have the greatest relationship, considering he was a complete ass. at times. Some of the things he did at the time were unforgivable. When I turned 16 he wrote an ad in the local paper saying "Happy 16th Birthday Becky P.S. I still live in town". I was so pissed off and hurt. At the time we weren't talking, more like I wasn't talking to him, but at the time I was thinking what gave him the right to write that in the paper? About 3 and half years ago I was on my way home from work and smashed my mom's van with 2 deer. At the same time. At this time we were talking so he said I could barrow his truck so I could get to work. Keep in mind, his truck was a 1989 Dodge Ram. It was huge! I had it for a couple days and I was playing bingo with a friend of mine and her family and when we're on our way home I have 4 or 5 voicemails from my parents. So I call my mom and she says to get home now. So I get home and my aunt is sitting there waiting for me. My dad called the cops on my mom saying that she stole his truck! I was so pissed! So my aunt followed me on the way to my dad's to take it back (if it wasn't taken back by that night the cops would've had to write up a report about his accusation). I didn't even take him the keys I was so pissed, my aunt did. I borrowed my cousin's sweet jeep until we got back my mom's van. Needless to say I didn't talk to him for a long time.

Fast forward to spring 2009. I haven't been talking to my dad for about 6 months or so, and I get a call from my uncle who says my dad's sick and he's taking him home. My uncle lives about 4 hours away and my dad was in the hospital by him. Long story short my dad and I are on speaking term, considering the situation. Come to find out my dad is diagnosed with renal cell cancer (for anyone that doesn't know, that's kidney cancer). I found this out when I was on a break from work. Yep, my dad told me when I was on break, so I had to go back into work and act like everything is a-ok in my life, when in reality I'm in utter and complete shock. We find out from his oncologist that the only thing they could possibly do is radiation to give him more time, since at the time my dad was 70, had congestive heart failure, diabetes, and one kidney is shut down, and the other one is only working at 10%. It never really hit me. I was in complete shock, and when I was telling my friends, they were "Oh I'm so sorry!" it never hit me then either. I was in complete denial.

My dad got severely sick from the radiation, so he went into a nursing home since he couldn't take care of himself anymore. That was the worst decision that was ever made. He got severely worse. He started to show the signs of dementia, which runs in the family, and he got a blood clot in his arm, so they sent him to the hospital an hour away. Come to find out he had bed sores! I was so pissed! That place needs to be shut down. They don't take care of their patients at all. They just leave them in their rooms all day. He was in and out of ICU for a few weeks. An Oncologist came in, and and they believe that the cancer spread to his liver. My dad always had a beer gut, but at that time he looked like he was pregnant with triplets. His kidney's were totally shut down. So the decision was made to put him into hospice care, and if he made it the weekend they would move him to a location that was closer for me. At the time we were driving an hour there and an hour back every day. We went to see him on saturday, and that would rough. He was on morphine. He was just laying there. He wouldn't respond to your voice, and by you holding your hand. By this time I was on a leave of absence at work, thankfully. I was spending all of my time at the hospital. We left for the day and we were gonna take sunday and just chill after spending all the time at the hospital for the past two weeks. Late saturday night I got the call that he passed away. The hospital tried call me, but I didn't answer so my mom woke me up and told me.

I still can't believe that he's gone. It will be two years in August that he's been gone. In ways it doesn't seem like he's actually gone. It just seems like it one of those times that we weren't talking. I have his ashes, and I know I need to take the final step and spread them somewhere, but I honestly don't know if I can, or ever will be able to. That's gonna be one rough day.

the dog days are over now..

A month..really? Wow...I'm slacking..MAJOR!

I have a five day weekend this week. It's nice in a way, but not nice when I can't pay my bills let alone actually have some sort of a life on the days I have off. I'm hoping to actually go out tomorrow with some friends..hopefully.

I haven't talked much about my family on here, but we're gonna get into it. My dad who was married so many times he couldn't legally get married again even if he would've wanted to. When my dad passed away almost 2 years ago he was 71. As far as I know he only has one other daughter who's in her 40s. He didn't see her since she was about four years old, and I never met her. I always knew about her, but I knew not to bring it up around my dad because it was a very sore subject, and it still hurt him considering the circumstances. (he was a very emotional person but didn't like to show it.) When i was 17 I tried to contact her, but that was a very failed attempt sadly. I've been thinking about her lately, and so I wrote her a snail mail letter the other day. I still have to send it out, but I'm hoping to get some response from her. It was pretty difficult to write considering I was telling her that my dad passed away, but i got through it, and now I just have to get the balls to send it out.

Onto a lighter note..I get to see my cousin's little girl tomorrow who is the cutest baby in the world. I'm impartial, but I don't care. I have seen her in forever and I'm soooo excited!! =D

this is my new favorite song of the moment :)

rock and roll never looked so beautiful

So stacey tagged me in her last post so here we go!

Here's the questions I had to answer:

1. What's your name/your Blogger name?
2. What's your blog's name/URL?
3. Write "the quick fox jumps over the lazy dog"
4. Favorite quote?
5. Your favorite song?
6. Your favorite band/singers?
7. Anything else you want to say?
8. Tag 3-5 other people.

Had your eyes wide open, why were they open?

I'm done with shopping. period. well not really. I went last night and bought 2 bras that were my size brought them home, and guess what? Bingo! They don't fit! I get out of work tonight, and buy 2 more in the next size up, and they don't fit! I seriously don't get it. I'm so done with bra shopping. They never last, and of course I can't go to Victoria's Secret because they don't have my size.

When shit like this happens (i.e. bra/jeans shopping) it gets me so pissed off. My boobs are too big to fit into anything, my legs are too damn long to buy regular jeans, (even tall jeans at my local Wal-Mart), and my feet are too damn big/wide for regular shoes. Basically the only thing I can shop for and not really have a big problem is shirts! WTF!?!

I finally broke down and bought a pair of jeans. I had to pay $30. :/ I'm not too thrilled about that. At all. I don't like that i can't find a good pair of jeans that fit and feel good. I have one pair that fits perfect but they're getting holes in the thighs, and they're not quite long enough. My other pair is iffy. They're long enough but I don't really care for them.

I ordered The Office Digital Shorts, and Welcome To The Riley's the other day. Can't wait for them to get here! =D If only Dundler Mifflin was a real place to work......

Guess what, your not so tough, So I came back here to call your bluff.

This is not a happy post. at. all. Today went from bad, to ok, to horrible!! I started getting ready for work and the underwire in my bra snapped in half! Normally it wouldn't be such a big deal to a normal person, but to be frank, I'm big chested and can't find bras anywhere! It's so frustrating! So

I finish getting ready for work and of course I'm running late as usual but I have to run to the bank, go pay rent, and get some stuff for my tattoo which by the way turned out awesome, and it itching like a BITCH!

I'm late for work. It's a daily thing but I'm trying to get to work earlier than what I have been. I'm not always successful, but whatev. Work is work. I buy a few bras after work and come home. I try to them and you'll never guess what happened! They don't fit! What a surprise! (I'm being totally sarcastic by the way. I'm a very sarcastic person ;) )

Oh! My night gets even better! I go to put my new movie in my tv and guess what? My tv decides to take a crap. Makes my night even better! 1. I don't have the money to buy a new one. 2. I need the noise to fall asleep. (I'm weird like that. )

Uh. This is gonna be very interesting that's for sure!

"I come to you in pieces So you can make me whole"

I'm starting to become an old lady. For the last week I've been exhausted by 1 am rolls around. That is soooo not me! I'm seriously exhausted right now and it's not even midnight!



So today I officially started my new job today! Since I'm working back there now I have to know stuff about the surrounding departments. Yep that's right. Did I mention that's 3 all together? This is gonna be interesting that's for sure! I have to open on Wednesday, and I still have no idea what all to do. It's gonna be a long day that's for sure!



I've been torturing myself lately. It's my dream to travel to Italy. I love the language, and the food. The food! Oh my! I should have been Italian. I recently watched Eat Love Pray and I would love to just be able to take off for a year and travel. I need to seriously get my shit together so I can do this!



The problem? I have absolutely no idea what I want to go to school for. I love to cook, but sadly there is no school around here with a culinary arts program. The closest school is over an hour away and I can't afford to drive there and my car aka the beast wouldn't make it. So unless I win the lottery I don't see it happening. Which sucks! :(

dj turn it up....

here's a short post!

i start training at my new job tomorrow. It's at the same place just a different department. I'm starting to get super nervous! I'll be so glad when tomorrow gets here. Somehow I don't think I'll be getting much sleep tonight. :-/ It's bad enough I've been living with this constant headache!

My mom had surgery on Monday and that meant absolutely no sleep for me! Thankfully everything went ok with the surgery. I literally got maybe 4 hours of sleep if I was lucky. I went to sleep around midnight last night and slept till around 12:30 this afternoon. I think I got caught up on my sleep ;)