Heaven's not a place that you go when you die It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive

I got a little inspired from a blog I just read to write about my dad.

When I was a kid I was a Daddy's girl through and through, then I became a teenager. We didn't have the greatest relationship at all. He liked to drink..quite a bit. It actually caused my mom to divorce my dad. He was very demanding, I get my stubbornness from by dad, for real. He wanted everything done now, not in two seconds either. It was the end of the world if things didn't happen the way or time he wanted. It used to drive me literally bananas! No matter what he did I loved him. He was my dad. We had some fun times. :)

We didn't always have the greatest relationship, considering he was a complete ass. at times. Some of the things he did at the time were unforgivable. When I turned 16 he wrote an ad in the local paper saying "Happy 16th Birthday Becky P.S. I still live in town". I was so pissed off and hurt. At the time we weren't talking, more like I wasn't talking to him, but at the time I was thinking what gave him the right to write that in the paper? About 3 and half years ago I was on my way home from work and smashed my mom's van with 2 deer. At the same time. At this time we were talking so he said I could barrow his truck so I could get to work. Keep in mind, his truck was a 1989 Dodge Ram. It was huge! I had it for a couple days and I was playing bingo with a friend of mine and her family and when we're on our way home I have 4 or 5 voicemails from my parents. So I call my mom and she says to get home now. So I get home and my aunt is sitting there waiting for me. My dad called the cops on my mom saying that she stole his truck! I was so pissed! So my aunt followed me on the way to my dad's to take it back (if it wasn't taken back by that night the cops would've had to write up a report about his accusation). I didn't even take him the keys I was so pissed, my aunt did. I borrowed my cousin's sweet jeep until we got back my mom's van. Needless to say I didn't talk to him for a long time.

Fast forward to spring 2009. I haven't been talking to my dad for about 6 months or so, and I get a call from my uncle who says my dad's sick and he's taking him home. My uncle lives about 4 hours away and my dad was in the hospital by him. Long story short my dad and I are on speaking term, considering the situation. Come to find out my dad is diagnosed with renal cell cancer (for anyone that doesn't know, that's kidney cancer). I found this out when I was on a break from work. Yep, my dad told me when I was on break, so I had to go back into work and act like everything is a-ok in my life, when in reality I'm in utter and complete shock. We find out from his oncologist that the only thing they could possibly do is radiation to give him more time, since at the time my dad was 70, had congestive heart failure, diabetes, and one kidney is shut down, and the other one is only working at 10%. It never really hit me. I was in complete shock, and when I was telling my friends, they were "Oh I'm so sorry!" it never hit me then either. I was in complete denial.

My dad got severely sick from the radiation, so he went into a nursing home since he couldn't take care of himself anymore. That was the worst decision that was ever made. He got severely worse. He started to show the signs of dementia, which runs in the family, and he got a blood clot in his arm, so they sent him to the hospital an hour away. Come to find out he had bed sores! I was so pissed! That place needs to be shut down. They don't take care of their patients at all. They just leave them in their rooms all day. He was in and out of ICU for a few weeks. An Oncologist came in, and and they believe that the cancer spread to his liver. My dad always had a beer gut, but at that time he looked like he was pregnant with triplets. His kidney's were totally shut down. So the decision was made to put him into hospice care, and if he made it the weekend they would move him to a location that was closer for me. At the time we were driving an hour there and an hour back every day. We went to see him on saturday, and that would rough. He was on morphine. He was just laying there. He wouldn't respond to your voice, and by you holding your hand. By this time I was on a leave of absence at work, thankfully. I was spending all of my time at the hospital. We left for the day and we were gonna take sunday and just chill after spending all the time at the hospital for the past two weeks. Late saturday night I got the call that he passed away. The hospital tried call me, but I didn't answer so my mom woke me up and told me.

I still can't believe that he's gone. It will be two years in August that he's been gone. In ways it doesn't seem like he's actually gone. It just seems like it one of those times that we weren't talking. I have his ashes, and I know I need to take the final step and spread them somewhere, but I honestly don't know if I can, or ever will be able to. That's gonna be one rough day.

the dog days are over now..

A month..really? Wow...I'm slacking..MAJOR!

I have a five day weekend this week. It's nice in a way, but not nice when I can't pay my bills let alone actually have some sort of a life on the days I have off. I'm hoping to actually go out tomorrow with some friends..hopefully.

I haven't talked much about my family on here, but we're gonna get into it. My dad who was married so many times he couldn't legally get married again even if he would've wanted to. When my dad passed away almost 2 years ago he was 71. As far as I know he only has one other daughter who's in her 40s. He didn't see her since she was about four years old, and I never met her. I always knew about her, but I knew not to bring it up around my dad because it was a very sore subject, and it still hurt him considering the circumstances. (he was a very emotional person but didn't like to show it.) When i was 17 I tried to contact her, but that was a very failed attempt sadly. I've been thinking about her lately, and so I wrote her a snail mail letter the other day. I still have to send it out, but I'm hoping to get some response from her. It was pretty difficult to write considering I was telling her that my dad passed away, but i got through it, and now I just have to get the balls to send it out.

Onto a lighter note..I get to see my cousin's little girl tomorrow who is the cutest baby in the world. I'm impartial, but I don't care. I have seen her in forever and I'm soooo excited!! =D

this is my new favorite song of the moment :)

rock and roll never looked so beautiful

So stacey tagged me in her last post so here we go!

Here's the questions I had to answer:

1. What's your name/your Blogger name?
2. What's your blog's name/URL?
3. Write "the quick fox jumps over the lazy dog"
4. Favorite quote?
5. Your favorite song?
6. Your favorite band/singers?
7. Anything else you want to say?
8. Tag 3-5 other people.

Had your eyes wide open, why were they open?

I'm done with shopping. period. well not really. I went last night and bought 2 bras that were my size brought them home, and guess what? Bingo! They don't fit! I get out of work tonight, and buy 2 more in the next size up, and they don't fit! I seriously don't get it. I'm so done with bra shopping. They never last, and of course I can't go to Victoria's Secret because they don't have my size.

When shit like this happens (i.e. bra/jeans shopping) it gets me so pissed off. My boobs are too big to fit into anything, my legs are too damn long to buy regular jeans, (even tall jeans at my local Wal-Mart), and my feet are too damn big/wide for regular shoes. Basically the only thing I can shop for and not really have a big problem is shirts! WTF!?!

I finally broke down and bought a pair of jeans. I had to pay $30. :/ I'm not too thrilled about that. At all. I don't like that i can't find a good pair of jeans that fit and feel good. I have one pair that fits perfect but they're getting holes in the thighs, and they're not quite long enough. My other pair is iffy. They're long enough but I don't really care for them.

I ordered The Office Digital Shorts, and Welcome To The Riley's the other day. Can't wait for them to get here! =D If only Dundler Mifflin was a real place to work......

Guess what, your not so tough, So I came back here to call your bluff.

This is not a happy post. at. all. Today went from bad, to ok, to horrible!! I started getting ready for work and the underwire in my bra snapped in half! Normally it wouldn't be such a big deal to a normal person, but to be frank, I'm big chested and can't find bras anywhere! It's so frustrating! So

I finish getting ready for work and of course I'm running late as usual but I have to run to the bank, go pay rent, and get some stuff for my tattoo which by the way turned out awesome, and it itching like a BITCH!

I'm late for work. It's a daily thing but I'm trying to get to work earlier than what I have been. I'm not always successful, but whatev. Work is work. I buy a few bras after work and come home. I try to them and you'll never guess what happened! They don't fit! What a surprise! (I'm being totally sarcastic by the way. I'm a very sarcastic person ;) )

Oh! My night gets even better! I go to put my new movie in my tv and guess what? My tv decides to take a crap. Makes my night even better! 1. I don't have the money to buy a new one. 2. I need the noise to fall asleep. (I'm weird like that. )

Uh. This is gonna be very interesting that's for sure!

"I come to you in pieces So you can make me whole"

I'm starting to become an old lady. For the last week I've been exhausted by 1 am rolls around. That is soooo not me! I'm seriously exhausted right now and it's not even midnight!



So today I officially started my new job today! Since I'm working back there now I have to know stuff about the surrounding departments. Yep that's right. Did I mention that's 3 all together? This is gonna be interesting that's for sure! I have to open on Wednesday, and I still have no idea what all to do. It's gonna be a long day that's for sure!



I've been torturing myself lately. It's my dream to travel to Italy. I love the language, and the food. The food! Oh my! I should have been Italian. I recently watched Eat Love Pray and I would love to just be able to take off for a year and travel. I need to seriously get my shit together so I can do this!



The problem? I have absolutely no idea what I want to go to school for. I love to cook, but sadly there is no school around here with a culinary arts program. The closest school is over an hour away and I can't afford to drive there and my car aka the beast wouldn't make it. So unless I win the lottery I don't see it happening. Which sucks! :(

dj turn it up....

here's a short post!

i start training at my new job tomorrow. It's at the same place just a different department. I'm starting to get super nervous! I'll be so glad when tomorrow gets here. Somehow I don't think I'll be getting much sleep tonight. :-/ It's bad enough I've been living with this constant headache!

My mom had surgery on Monday and that meant absolutely no sleep for me! Thankfully everything went ok with the surgery. I literally got maybe 4 hours of sleep if I was lucky. I went to sleep around midnight last night and slept till around 12:30 this afternoon. I think I got caught up on my sleep ;)

yes i would die for you baby, but you won't do the same..

New blog! w00t!

I'm totally loving this song right now...




There's this girl at work who is a complete and utter bitch. I'm not kidding. She doesn't do anything except for stand around and lean on the counter at work. I think you get the idea. :) Anyways, I was working by her today and I kept on getting this feeling someone was looking at me. Guess who! Emo-Lazy Girl! It was freaking me out bad. It gets better! I stay in the backroom for lunch and guess who is on lunch the same time as me..you guessed right again! Of course she sits in the booth right by me so she's looking at me. So what do I do? No, I don't confront her, I stick my nose in my awesome new book The Pact By Jodi Picoult which by the way is the bees knees! I don't like confrontation whatsoever especially at work. I seriously need to work on it. That's besides the point lol.

I've been thinking about changing my memorial tattoo. Just the words, but I found the perfect one. It's totally different but it's totally perfect. Here's the picture:
The words are perfect, I love the font and it's already the right color. I just need to change the dates. I just need to figure out if it's still gonna go on my ankle of not. Hmmm...decisions decisions...

whoa! what? a new blog already? yep you bet! ;) a little update on the day...

i thought i was gonna die at work today. my legs are still sooo sore! i'm walking around like a little old lady! it would probably be better if i was like this:





so in a week and a half i'm going to get my first tattoo. to be honest i'm scared shitless. here's a picture of it. i drew it myself with some help of tracing :)





b's also getting a tattoo so i won't be so nervous but i wanna do mine first so i don't get severely freaked out. the orange cancer awareness ribbon is for his cancer which was kidney. the dates are the year he was born and the year he died, and i wanted to get some stars done so i added those in. i'm debating on the in loving memory dad tho. i was thinking of some other words but i'm not quite sure. i also want a different font than that. i hate my handwriting! i'll have to ask my tattoo lovin peeps. get some ideas going :)

i'm gonna try to blog a few times a week so i can get motivated so keep an eye out for this gal!

no. really i'm fine!

i've come back from the dead! after much persistence from stacey. i really need to get more dedicated to this. seriously. a little update: we no longer have psycho kitty aka Gabbana. she turned totally psycho after we got back from south carolina so she's off to another home to tear up :) i got a new job in a different department at my current job. i start in a week or so..totally pumped for a different set of pace! =D we (the roommate and i) just moved also. i'll get into that down below...

a few words of advice..when you live upstairs in an apartment NEVER and i repeat NEVER move by yourself with no help from strong boys. it was a total disaster! we just moved to the apartment directly below us but it was completely horrendous! we started around 1 yesterday afternoon and didn't get everything done till almost midnight! the big furniture was the worst. one person had to lift it over the banister and the other person had to stand at the bottom of the stairs try not to get killed bringing it down. the boxes weren't bad cuz i went up a couple steps and grabbed them when b lowered them down.

soo a incident happened ironically to me yesterday. b dropped down 2 plastic tote tops down the stairs and didn't see me and one of the hit me in the face and i got a fat lip. trust me i didn't let her forget it yesteday at all ;)

next time we move we're getting some strong boys to help. haha.